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Stranger: hello
You: stop staring at me
Stranger: oh sorry i didnt now you saw it! :$
You: I can see everything right now. Feel like Doc Gooden in ’85. Unstoppable. Doctor Dynamite. You could Theisman me right now, just snap my leg into pieces and I’ll be back with a pressure cast faster than a hermaphrodite sprinter running the backstretch of a dangerous night quest.
Stranger: yeaah haha:P
You: are you laughing at me?
Stranger: okee hahah xD
You: the lazy eye, right? you’re laughing at my lazy eye.
Stranger: yeah, so lazy:P
You: nah, look rookie, im about to twist it hard. gonna pop in my cats eye. daddy keeps a cats eye around just in case confused people like yourself need to be scared straight. I’m the night cat, coming to sip from your milk dish. Creme de mental all over your steez.
Stranger: aah lazy
Stranger: gay
You: Look deep into my cat’s eye. I’m staring so hard into it right now. Do you see gay? It’s the hard gaze of the sackdancers. I’m gonna get straight Marty Lyons on your grill. You cannot imagine a deeper soul penetration unless you’ve been lucky enough to soulkiss fitness guru Tony Little. I am the one and only King Khat, the master of mental. I’m about to go nuts to to “Bang, Pow, Boom” by the Insane Clown Posse.
Stranger: are you drunk:P hhhhaaaaa
You: buck up. grow up. man up. MAN THE FUCK UP. stop it with the smiley faces and the stupid emoticons. think outside the box here.
Stranger: you’re old
You: i got the body of a 20 year old. been doing P90X. i personally get trained by the duo of former USFL star Hershel Walker and Captain Stig Hansen from Deadliest Catch every morning. they run me through a skills gauntlet that would amaze you. they have helped me to become the night cat. my agility is plus 20.
Stranger: the night cat heeeeee 
You: you are laughing again. don’t laugh. say something for god’s sake. as long as you sit in silence and judge me, we’ll never get to a special place. i’ll tell you what, I’ll take out the cat’s eye if that makes a difference. For you, I’m gonna work up a nice lather. A real robust lather and just work my cheeks into a foam frenzy.
Stranger: where are you?
You: i’m in the bathroom. got the kid on one side, the old lady on the other. I’m right where I want to be. caught between a rock and a hard place if you know what I’m saying. Nothing a good lather can’t fix. You want me to fix you up with a little talc? I’m finding i may need to fling a little manjobber into your zip code.
Stranger: eeewwww
You: whhooa sheila. nothing sexual. i’m talking about the old days, when it was okay to work your friends shoulders into a nice soft taffy. to really callus up your paws laying down a mean inner thigh soul rub. put on a little Social D, pop open the sloe gin and commandeer the thumb parade.
You: i’m about to drink some aqua velva. so thirsty.
Stranger: what is that?
You: it’s party potion. once it hits your lips, you go from being country strong to straight yolked. power up. like eating charcoal or huffing the tail pipe of a Le Car. Not much compares. I’m about to do a jigger of aquavelva, pop the old cat’s eye back, turn the Buckethead up to 11 and taser myself. just for shits and giggles.
Stranger: byebye
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Stranger: I hate conversations that are normal
Stranger: do not type asl
You: me too. so let’s just take this to the next level asap.
You: straight creative.
Stranger: shit shoot then
You: none of the bullshit. hit me with something.
Stranger: wtf did you do today
You: or you want me to start because let me tell you, i’ve been up for about 36 hours and I have plenty to talk about
Stranger: go
Stranger: im listening
You: well, shit started like any normal day at the compound
You: hit the one foot glass master, ease back into el relaxo and think about what’s coming my way
Stranger: werd
You: then
You: straight raided man
You: 3 ATF agents on my doorstep
Stranger: dam
Stranger: snitched out
Stranger: ?
You: nah
You: wrong address. but get this
You: I had about 30 hits of MDMA on me
Stranger: lol
You: good shit too. just holding for my friend Chambers
Stranger: did they get you?
You: nah. no warrant. they were actually polite. but i sort of freaked out. got nervous because I had good green buzz going
You: and I ate like 5 of the pills.
You: flushed down the others
Stranger: i can see how that would ruin yo shit
Stranger: lol
You: dude, ive been UP FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS
Stranger: hahaha
Stranger: iwoulda shit bricks
Stranger: for a week
You: been on omegle for like 12 hours or some shit
Stranger: lol
You: talking to people about what went down. they’ve actually been helping me piece it all together
Stranger: wow
You: because I definitely blacked out for sections.
Stranger: coming down yet?
You: yeah
You: definitely.
Stranger: good
You: pretty dark. but what the fuck you gonna do? so check this.
You: I wake up. there’s like literally $100 worth of quarters all over the floor. like thrown everywhere.
Stranger: lol
Stranger: dont remember huh
You: there’s a fucking massive bag a Cha-Cha on the table; a freshly whittled native american peacepipe on the floor broken into pieces; and Balls to the Walls by Accept is blasting at like 11 on a stereo
You: and
You: it’s not MY HOUSE
You: i have no fucking idea where the fuck i was dude
You: i just walked home, hit 28A and was able to get a lift into town
Stranger: did you get the bud
Stranger: check your pockets
Stranger: make sure you dont have anything somebody wants
You: bud. nah dude, it was high grade yayo, charlie, jackup
Stranger: DAM
You: i must have traded the bud at some point
Stranger: helluva choice to make on the way out
Stranger: take or no take
You: yeah, but I’m not even wearing my own pants.
Stranger: anybody else in the house with you
You: I got a bag of bootleg DVDs straight from fucking chinatown — District 9, Inglorious Bastards
Stranger: thats crazy dude
You: dude, i’m not close to done
Stranger: old me would taken that shit
Stranger: go on
Stranger: this shit is funny
You: so i make the bullshit decision to start just housing the Blanca
You: one little gum rub becomes a car key becomes a line becomes a blood party. you know how it goes.
Stranger: hehe
Stranger: holy shit
You: then, i’m all fucking tweaked because a wave of the E hits me and fucking decide to head out again
Stranger: for a minute i thought you up and left
You: that’s when it gets really fucked up.
You: i remember only two things: a guy in a Mohawk Indian outfit — like a white guy dressed in native shit — screamin Cayate! Cayate! at me.
Stranger: lol
You: And he was being chased by the sickest group of mustache riders you’ll ever see.
You: im talking thickness bra. handelbarred, Selleck-thickness. straight 70s.
Stranger: lol
Stranger: machetes?
You: it was a golden parade of mustachioed wonder. a luminescent cavalcade of the most choice facefur you will ever see. golden.
You: I wish I had a machete.
You: you’re with me man.
Stranger: did they catch that fool
You: i appreciate this. because now, i’m sitting here in my friends basement on his machine.
Stranger: you better chill for a few hours
You: he’s upstairs getting straight Chantilly Lace on me. Been blasting Big Bopper since 6 AM
You: and it’s making me wanna go buckwild
You: i still have half this bag of Kontiki Riki
Stranger: lol
Stranger: i just had hotdogs yesterday
Stranger: that was the extent of my day
You: hotdogs?
You: that’s it
Stranger: yup
You: that was your entire day?
Stranger: my shit is boring
You: but I bet you used to get stone cold
Stranger: no comment
Stranger: im at work
You: you used to rock sock tacos, just blur the lines.
You: i know, i know
Stranger: hahaha
Stranger: later
You: cant retell the golden age storeis
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Stranger: hello
You: just saw an amazing movie
Stranger: what’s that movie?
You: It is called Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
Stranger: ok
You: Your most dangerous enemies are the friends you’ve double-crossed
Stranger: ok
You: You wouldn’t double cross me, would you?
Stranger: no.
You: That’s good because I have some solid intel for you.
Stranger: Intel?
You: Intelligence. Data. Information. Top secret. For your eyes only.
Stranger: ok. sound interesting.
You: I got my hands on Ecks vs. Sever in 4-D. Such a fucking mind trip dude. It’s like the greatest experience of all time. Imagine if there was a China out there in the galaxy. Imagine the China of the Universe. Like 100 times the population, 100 times the dedication, 100 times the diaper absorbancy. And they were training for the Galactic Olympics Opening Ceremony. Imagine how fucking sick that would be. Every resource at their disposal. Nasa-level tech. It would blow your mind right?
Stranger: the chinese did that well
You: anyway, Ecks vs. Sever in 4-D is like that. It is the China of the Universe. You following me?
You: you getting the scientific relevance of what I’m saying man? I’m only telling this to you. Watching Antonio Banderas in 4 dimensions is as close to Shangri-La as you can get. Shit gets you so caliente. Max caliente. It’s the holy grail, El Dorado, the white whale all in one.
Stranger: Are you american?
You: I am from Burbank.
Stranger: Is that in US?
You: It is. It’s a city where most people live in reclaimed 1950s bombshelters. My boy Yabo and I are on the precipice of the 4D revolution. Camp David man. That’s where we do our thing. You are probably maxing on a bamboo bike seat with a bootleg of Avatar in a Sichuan back alley. That’s cool man. You do your thing.
Stranger: I have to go. you’re confusing me.
You: Look. Don’t go. I’m about to provide you with Xanadu man. Take the idea, and use it for yourself in China. No intellectual property law anyways.
Stranger: I am not Chinese. I am Korean.
You: Okay. Okay. That’s fine. Take it to Daejeon and become a millionaire. Got crazy with hotpots and enjoy yourself with the finest things that Korea can offer you. What are some of your favorite things.
Stranger: I enjoy film.
You: See man. You and I are there. We are on the level. So get in on the 4-D bus. We just redid versions of some great American movies like Ninja 3: The Domination and Hot Resort. Also got an endoresement from Mark Dacascos.
Stranger: who?
You: Mark Dacascos. The famous Chairman from Iron Chef America. He is the original inventor of ABD. American Battle Dance. He has such choice moves. And is really behind the idea. He like many Americans, feels a need to bring stars like Clint Howard to the 4-D world.
Stranger: okay. good luck.
You: Luck? Havent’ you heard a word Im saying? We got the funding, we got the celebrity endorsements, we have everything you need to make it work. No luck. Just determination. Yabo and I are committed. We are hungry. Can you get us in front of some Korean investment companies?
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You: Dude
Stranger: yeah
You: this Von Dutch hat is so fucking righteous
You: Motherfuckers just don’t know
You: Ed Hardy fucking tees
You: I got rainbow flip flops
You: a popped collar under the ed hardy tee
You: and croakies on my ray bans
You: what’s up now?
Stranger: wow. thanks for that 
You: You’re welcome
You: what are you wearing?
You: jc penny fuckin dim sum bibs?
Stranger: haha whaaat
You: yeah!
You: tell me what’s up?
You: what are you wearing?
Stranger: wtf is a dim sum bib
You: dude, it’s so fucking amazing
You: it’s what KFed wears at a PF Chang’s employee of year gala.
Stranger: nice
You: Listen
You: You a guy?
Stranger: girl
You: ok good
You: What kind of cologne do you like on bros?
Stranger: hollister stuff
You: You a surfer chick?
Stranger: nope
You: I got this fucking sandalwood all spice jam that would blow a hole in your head if you ever sniffed my shit walking down the promenade
You: It’s the essence of what it means to be a fucking fully flexed human fun fact.
You: like watching john cougar do deep knee bends on top of T-Boz
Stranger: hot
Stranger: hahaa
You: like Michael Milkin milking a VHS copy of Milk
You: Do you get wild?
Stranger: alll the time durr
You: Do you play “only in america” with a couple of envelopes of Nazca Nachos and then hit a Fred Perry super sale and call yourself Doctor Downtown?
You: Cause that’s how i like to play
Stranger: i wish i did..
You: what’s your name, lady?
Stranger: katie
You: Katie sounds like the kind of chick who goes on lock down in a Santa Monica motel and sends fucking handwritten letters to the band Letters to Cleo
Stranger: got me pegged
You: I got a group rate on a party barge out of Corpus Christie later this week. Can’t use it
You: you can have it if you like
You: but i don’t know shit about your sitch
You: where do you live?
Stranger: NY
You: Sweet. Probably upstate
You: somewhere fucking raw
You: like West Shokan
Stranger: mkay..
You: or some weird resevoir mill town
You: work with me Katie
You: you in the city?
Stranger: yeah
You: The cold water 6 floor walk up in East New York kind of New York, or the 4-roommate Upper East Side onslaught of body shots and ruphinol day trader kind of New York?
You: Or do you have some Sex in the City Brunch empowerment thing going on? Hysterically crying while you eat fucking cupcakes watching other people’s babies from inside a fucking Xanax cloud.
Stranger: actually, i’m in high school
You: Ah so you’re a Dalton Day Dandy who doesn’t know if she wants to go into fashion or just straight waste time in head honcho world?
You: Or are you the, “I get on the F train at Delancy and hope everyone hears the Reggaeton master mix being pumped out of my Zune”?
Stranger: no..
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Stranger: hii
You: hi
Stranger: may i know your name?
You: Sizemass
You: you?
Stranger: wow
Stranger: cool name
Stranger: hehe
Stranger: i’m dana
You: Sup, Dana
You: What are you doing?
Stranger: just looking my pic and chat with you
Stranger: and you are?
You: I’m just focusing
Stranger: focusing on what?
You: Hammering back uncut muscle milk. Getting ready to go out and dead lift some Japanese imports
You: I’m trying to get yolked
You: cocked diesel
You: Full focus
Stranger: oww
Stranger: good luck then
Stranger: maybe i shouldnt disturbed you
You: Nah, it’s cool
You: i’m a mess
You: i need someone to talk to
Stranger: ohh
Stranger: i see
Stranger: well…i thing what you do is cool
Stranger: making a cocked diesel
You: where you from, Dana?
Stranger: ohh
Stranger: asia here
Stranger: and you are?
You: right on
You: I’m from Southern California
Stranger: ohh
You: what part of asia?
Stranger: a california boy?
You: yeah
Stranger: south east
You: Nam?
Stranger: near it
Stranger: not malaysia
You: Singapore?
You: what’s with the fucking guessing game!!!!
Stranger: haha
Stranger: i;m from indonesia
You: I once trashed a Vietnamese restaurant after main lining an extreme whey muscle meal. Fucking ran through a sheet rock wall. Chased all the cooks through the parking lot.
Stranger: how old are you anyway?
You: I put on lattimer-style skeleton make up and broke into a GNC the other night and wrecked the place. Slowly chugged raw monster milk from the jug for no reason as the security alarms went off.
You: sorry
You: I need someone to talk to
You: i’m 24
You: i’m a mess
You: psychologically messed up
Stranger: wow
You: All I do is work out and go out and Play “Let’s See What Happens”. Like the other night in the GNC store…
Stranger: Uh huh…
You: The cops came and tazed me. But it didn’t work. I just stood there and knocked their heads together like coconuts. I shit creatine, Dana. I fucking cry protein shakes. I’m like a 1970s PCP PSA without a hollywood ending… I see in fucking Top Gun interfaces. Little circles and squares and shit lining up on targets.
Stranger: Targets?
You: Yeah. Everything is a target. You should try to imagine me. I’m sitting on top of an upside down milk crate in a dark tool shed with one lightbulb. I just took my third cycle of HGH and i’m typing so hard i’m breaking this fucking keyboard.
Stranger: maybe you should relaks a bit
Stranger: take some quality sleep
You: I should, but I want to get HUGE. I want to fucking play flag football with real fucking flags. Like the big ones. The ones on top of fucking Dodge dealerships on the 4th of July or the ones in front of the UN.
Stranger: ohh
Stranger: why?
You: Don’t put me in a corner, Dana. I fucking reenact In Da Club every morning. I pay some motherfuckers to wear white lab coats and look at me through a one way mirror and check shit off on a clip board as hot bitches set up electrodes to me as I run at a 45 degree incline next to a life-size video projection of Jim Thome being shot up with steroids. COUNTRY STRONG!
Stranger: I don’t understand you.
You: No one does. It’s my curse.
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: Hi
Stranger: hi
You: From?
Stranger: china
Stranger: u?
You: I’m from Taos, New Mexico
You: you know it?
Stranger: hmm, america>?
You: yes
You: New Mexico
Stranger: got it
You: where in China are you?
Stranger: i know it
Stranger: harbin
You: Ok
You: i know it
Stranger: really?
You: yes
Stranger: how did u know it?
You: because I read books.
You: and read
Stranger: hmm, i know every state of america
You: Do you?
Stranger: of course i am
You: Do you know what each state is like?
Stranger: no,
You: Let’s play a game
Stranger: ok
You: i’ll say a state and you tell me what you think it might be like
Stranger: oh
Stranger: please
You: and i’l give you a realistic answer
You: it’ll be fun!
Stranger: ok
You: New Jersey
Stranger: so hard. It green. Many cars. have so people and many farms.
You: ok
You: not really
You: but ok
Stranger: my english is not so well
You: your english is great, you’re just way off. Here’s how it really is: New Jersey is a shit box filled with fucking dipshits who love Joe Piscipo. They all walk around eating fresh Mozarella and drive their monte carlos into each other. Driving through it is like driving through Great Adventure’s outdoor safari except instead of Ring Tailed Lemurs, you see a Bolo yeung blowing a mannequin of himself to Ooom Bop played backwards at half speed.
Stranger: i cant describe a thing so fine
You: Yeah, well how about trying to describe what you see out of your window? I’m curious
Stranger: i describe in chinese
Stranger: hmm
Stranger: hah
Stranger: ok
Stranger: black
Stranger: cause it is 20:41here
You: it’s 2041? Holy shit! Are there flying cars? Dudes in Jet packs?
You: You want me to describe what I see?
You: out my window?
Stranger: ok
Stranger: i mean 8 pm
Stranger: here
You: Ok, I’m sitting in a van by my roadside dream catcher/Turqoise jewelry stand stand, so I see a a dude with a scorpio tattoo on his face trying to haggle down the price of my hand-dyed wolf tee shirt from my assistant, Hernandez.
Stranger: hmm
You: He’s got a bowie knife on his belt and a trucker hat that says Seabreaze
You: on it
Stranger: great decribe
You: So what’s your name?
Stranger: my name is kevin
You: No it isn’t, your real name. I can take it, i like a little chinese in my brain.
You: no english names
Stranger: really?
You: yeah
Stranger: how old r u
You: i’m not gonna give you a chinese name i made up to appease you.
You: my real name is Sensation.
You: It’s Austrian
You: Meaning One who dusts a smattering of bitter cocoa on his nutsack
Stranger: great
You: but everyone calls me Space Doggy
Stranger: i write in chinese?
You: you can call me either
You: ok
Stranger: ok, 化一
You: Can I call you TK M Dash?
Stranger: what language?
You: Just trying to give you a better nick name than Kevin
Stranger: i cant understand
You: sorry
You: I’ll go slower
You: Kevin
You: is not a good English name
You: you should change it
You: in America Kevin can mean a really bad thing
Stranger: oh, can u take one for me
You: has anyone ever told you this?
Stranger: no
You: ooooh
You: who suggested you take the name kevin?
Stranger: my english teacher
You: I think your English teacher is having fun with you
You: Look, i hate to be the one to break this to you
You: But Kevin has two meanings in the USA. you know what a donkey is?
Stranger: no
You: Ok, do you know what a Land Sandwich is?
Stranger: no
You: Ok you know what it’s like to have too much drama in the LBC?
stranger: no
You: Ok, do you know what it’s like to get straight dogged?
stranger: you make no sense.
You: You know what it’s like to get black jacked by a ATF agent?
stranger: no
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: You good at computers?
Stranger: Sort Of .. Why ?
You: I’m not.
You: I
You: I’m an older man
You: it’s hard for me
Stranger: OK .
You: and it’s not working
Stranger: Ok.
You: this is working
You: but nothing else is
Stranger: Ok
You: can you help me?
Stranger: With What ?
You: my computer
You: it’s busted
You: fucking piece of shit
You: I need my smith corona back
Stranger: What Do You Waant Me Too Do ? & Stop Cursing.
You: but my fucking wife sold it at the garage sale
You: why do i have to stop cursing?
Stranger: She Sold It . & Now Your Using It . Get Your Story Right
You: no
You: she sold my smith corona
Stranger: Smith Corona ?
You: my typewriter
You: she got me this broken piece of shit
Stranger: You Can’t Use The Internet On A TypeWriter Though.
You: i want to write a letter to my son, douglas
Stranger: Then Send Him An EMail.
You: she opened this thing
You: i’m writing to you on
You: is this email?
You: Douglas!
Stranger: It’s Called Omegle. No It’s Not EMail.
You: DOUGLAS
Stranger: Yes?
You: can he hear me
You: ?
You: what the fuck is going on
Stranger: He ? I’m Not He , YOur Talking Too One Person.
You: this is the craziest shit ever
You: Whoa re you?
Stranger: Look At THe Top Of The Page. I’m A Stranger
You: ok
You: i’m looking
You: Your name is Omegle? You a Greek?
You: what the fuck does that mean?
Stranger: Omegle. “Talk Too Strangers”
Stranger: Google It
Stranger: Or Smith Corona It , Even
You: My wife opened this shit up and left. i want to talk to Douglas can you get him?
Stranger: No I can’t
You: i don’t know what this is
Stranger: THE INTERNET.
You: she said i could use it to write to douglas
Stranger: She’s Wrong.
You: She’s such a bitch
You: stupid bitch
Stranger: Then Get A Divorce.
You: always playing jokes
Stranger: You can’t talk to Douglas here.
You: Dear Douglas, you piece of shit, ungrateful coward. Where were you that day?
Stranger: This isn’t Douglas.
You: I had my prostrate exam, and you left me in that fucking FTD store parking lot with that greasy son of a bitch hot dog vendor.
Stranger: Look, this isn’t your son. My name is Arthur.
You: If you fucking think for one more second that you’re going to get the candy-land collectors set from your brother, you’re sorely mistaken.
Stranger: Old MAN! This is the Internet. Your Son isn’t here!
You: If you eyeball me again you fucking half-breed i’ll cut you off completely. You always had a touch of downs, anyhow.
You: Sincerely, your father.
You: Did he get it?
You: she said i could use this
Stranger: No, he didn’t get it.
You: Mail fraud! Who are you, you piece of shit!
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: cha cha cha
Stranger: cha cha cha is what
You: I LOVE SALSA!
You: i am dancing as I type
Stranger: wow
Stranger: but please answer my question
You: totally gyrating like Charo in the Love Boat poopdeck lounge
Stranger: do u know any japan star?
You: of course
You: I know Nakagaichi
Stranger: Nakagaichi is who
You: very famous volleyball Japan star. tall as tree. with tremendous power to blast the stars off of the flag of the USofA
You: he was a nemesis of Karch Kiraly and Steve Timmons
Stranger: and do you know any japan movis star
Stranger: or singer
You: yes.
You: i know Hiroshi Abe
Stranger: oh i know him
You: and I know Pat Morita
You: I mean, I know Pat Morita personally. that dude loves to get buck wild.
You: throwing down the most righteous handplants. full-tilt dreadnok style top rocking.
Stranger: what japan movie was pat morita in.
You: He was in something that roughly translates to Throw Mamasan from the Train
Stranger: i dont know. where from?
You: AmeriKKKa
Stranger: USA?
You: You want to hear more about Pat Morita? Maybe about the tatanka parties dude would throw back in the valley days?
Stranger: ok
You: Pat would get NUTS. I found him in a closet once teabagging Jeff Daniels. It was ’88 and Rip Taylor was throwing cinder blocks into pat’s infinity pool. i was in Miyagi’s danger room with the guy who played Corporel Kirshner and Vin Scully who was in his sombrero phase. Shit was about to go down.
Stranger: this is very interesting
You: Tell me about it. Once Pat was done huffing a mixture of Aztecan Gold and Don Dadda, I fired up the hover craft and tore up his topiary garden Frank Black style. You know the video for “Los Angeles?”
Stranger: no. do you know and japan pop stars?
You: I’m telling you the mother of all stories here involving the biggest japan pop star in all of america. sit tight. the best part is coming up.
Stranger: okay.
You: So Morita has this rage in his eyes. Scully was saying that he hadn’t seen Pat that upset since Ron Howard got so high he made “chinese eyes” with scotch tape and walked around singing “Ass-hoar, Ass-hoar, Morita suck ass-hoar” on the set of happy days. Potsie puked through his nose he was laughing so hard.
Stranger: I’m sorry. I don’t know this story.
Stranger: Where can I find Pat Morita movies?
You: Get them online. Start with Every Little Crook and Nanny. He plays Nonaka. Pure fucking sickness.
Stranger: Thank you.
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: you know anything about the shake n bake method of cooking up meth?
Stranger: I am so sorry！
You: it’s okay. it’s a new thing. not very tested.
Stranger: I know nothing about that
Stranger: can you tell
You: but I think I got it this time. you want to ride shotgun while I take a ride on the Starlight Express? Gonna need someone in the control room to work the knobs for blastoff. t minus…
Stranger: it is so exciting
You: someone to keep me tethered to the earth. you seem like a trustworthy person who can guide me as I drift through la casa cosmos.
Stranger: maybe
You: i’m about to last starfighter the shit out of a monster Favela-sized rail
Stranger: oh？？
You: gonna need you to stay online with me. talk me down if this shit gets too intense. you cool with that?
Stranger: no
Stranger: bye
You: wait
Stranger: why
You: you seem honest
Stranger: no
You: you’re not honest?
Stranger: sometimes
Stranger: how
Stranger: old are you？
You: im 22
You: why would you lie though? now I’m getting paranoid. btw, I just inhaled the fucking living room table through blowhole numero uno.
Stranger: you are so young
You: don’t lie man. please
You: this shit is so fucking strong. god, i can hear quetzacotl coming for me.
Stranger: call 911 please！
Stranger: police will
Stranger: help you
You: dont need no cops. last time they got involved I ended up in the downward dog in lockup with la coka nostra and chopstick up my pee pee hole.
Stranger: in my view you need help
You: I’m good. You’re helping me. fuck, yes. I like to read what you are typing. it’s as if the computer is alive and talking to me
Stranger: where are you?
You: I am in Canada.
Stranger: i have been there before
Stranger: Sydney
You: Sydney is in Australia.
You: I said I was in Canada. Why are you screwing around with me.
Stranger: yeah good joke，isn’t it！
You: You are making me crazy man, seriously. Hold on, I need to get the fire blankets and the matches… be right back.
Stranger: ok
You: that joke seriously fucked with my head man. i’m about to watch a movie then fucking burn down down my ex-girlfriends trailer.
Stranger: so sorry
You: You ever see Big Trouble in Little China?
Stranger: no what that about?
You: It’s a documentary about a neighborhood in New York.
Stranger: something banned by china goverment??
You: Not banned. A very famous film about a man on a very important quest.
Stranger: are you ok now??
You: Dude. I am so okay. I’ve never been better. Fucking flying like an SS Supersport with twin overhead cams down poontang parkway. You feel me?
Stranger: i can not feel you ,sorry!
Stranger: you sure you are ok ??
You: you have to try and feel me. I want your happiness. I want you to feel what its like to lay a back breaker double fishhook on a tanzanian 10. then floor a jetski to the shogun shangri-la via the miami spice route.
Stranger: you a student？？
You: I am a student of the universe, tailgating with all the deceased party brothers who were before me hondo. you ready to climb aboard the booze bus and scissorkick the shit out of state champion debate squad?
Stranger: which university？
You: university of jerry tarkanian. very famous in the US.
Stranger: what is your Major？
You: quinoa preparation and kumate mat building
You: I started out building half-pipes but needed something more. a new challenge so I am building slightly inclined, blood sport fighting surfaces.
Stranger: your email？
You: my email? why?
You: you’re freaking me out again Hotshot
Stranger: i am so tired today!maybe we can contact tomorrow~
You: you had me owning the balance beam like an former USSR gymnast but now I’m straight rope-bridging it like Temple of Doom
You: shakti de.
You: kalima
You: oh num shivai
You: IM FUCKED.
Stranger: me too
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
Stranger: cool . i’m an asia.
You: What’s it like being an Asia?
You: Must be tough lugging around all that land mass
You: and all those other asias
You: getting in your face all the time, pretending to be the real asia
You: Like getting on a plane must be a pain in the ass.
You: “Sir, you can’t bring indonesia with you.”
You: “Because, sir, it’s not technically part of you. You’ll have to check it.”
Stranger: well. not exactly
You: What am I getting wrong?
You: I’d imagine being a continent is terribly difficult.
You: so tell me about yourself?
Stranger: well.our house is smaller than an American.
You: Your house is smaller than an American?
You: the average american is 5″9 inches tall 175 lbs
You: Do you live in the housing equivalent of Danny Devito?
You: or do you simply live inside Danny Devitto?
You: That would be amazing. An asia inside Danny Devitto.
Stranger: what’s “Danny Devitto”
You: What’s Danny Devitto? OMG. Ok, do you have a minute?
You: Once upon a time there was a man named Martini who lived inside a mental institution.
You: He loved playing cards
You: one day another mental patient got fed up with this really fucking bitchy nurse and had an american indian strong man throw a chair through a window.
You: then he wound up running a taxi stand in New York City
You: A little later he decided to chase Joan Wilder to CARTEGENA
You: eventually winding up in Philadelphia running a bar.
You: apparently, you, I mean a continent, lives inside him.
You: Isn’t it an amazing story?
Stranger: really ? isn’ t he an man?
You: I would imagine so, but it also seems he is your house, and large enough to to fit an entire continent inside of him… But smaller than an average American… Trippy shit huh?
Stranger: hm….i know, you are take me funny
You: Like I put on a clown mask and make love to you?
You: I take offense to that, sir.
You: For a continent that lives inside Danny Devito
You: you ought to know better than to insult a stranger’s sexual life. I take umbrage to it. In fact i would never take you funny. I would look you dead in the eye and bone hammer you with loving passion.
You: Yes, I am very discriminating
You: i prefer fine things
Stranger: anyway thanks your story.
You: i do not like it when someone tries to pass themselves off as an Asia, when they are no such thing!
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